Witnessing a loved one have a panic attack can be alarming and leave you feeling helpless. But with the right understanding and approach, you can make a real difference. Supporting someone having a panic attack is not about “fixing” them it’s about being present, creating a sense of safety, and gently guiding them back to calm.
Understanding Panic Attacks
A panic attack is an intense surge of fear or discomfort often marked by racing heart, shortness of breath, trembling, chest pain, dizziness, or tingling. Though frightening, panic attacks are not physically dangerous. They are a natural (but overwhelming) adrenaline response to real or perceived threats.
The Science: Panic attacks are essentially your body’s “alarm system” a rush of adrenaline triggering physical and mental symptoms, even if there’s no real danger. Reminding yourself and others it will pass is key.
Key Principles: Supporting Someone During a Panic Attack
1. Stay Calm and Present
Your calm demeanor can set the tone. Panic attacks are fueled by perceived danger—your steady presence can be grounding.
2. Don’t Minimize or Dismiss
Avoid phrases like “just relax” or “you’re overreacting.” What helps one person (“it’s just adrenaline”) may feel invalidating to another. Instead, acknowledge their fear and offer reassurance.
3. Offer Choices, Not Instructions
Every person’s needs during a panic attack are different. Some may want quiet support, others distraction, and some may not want to talk at all. Ask gentle, open questions:
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“Would you like me to sit with you?”
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“Is there something you know helps you that I can do?”
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“Would it help if I held your hand, or would you prefer space?”
4. Ask Before Touching
For some, physical contact like holding hands is soothing; for others, it may feel suffocating. Always let the person initiate touch if they want it. Saying, “My hand is right here if you need it,” gives them choice and control.
5. Support Safe Grounding and Coping Techniques
Grounding exercises can redirect focus away from panic. Practical options include:
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Holding an ice cube
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Drinking cold water or sucking on sour candy
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5-4-3-2-1 Senses Exercise: Name five things you see, four you can hear, three you can touch, two you can smell, one you can taste
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Counting backwards by threes from 100
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Fidget toys or sensory objects
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Distraction techniques (telling a calming story, showing a funny object, reading aloud)
But remember: not every technique works for every person. Some people may find grounding exercises unhelpful and prefer other forms of support, such as storytelling or being read to.
6. Guide Their Breathing (If Welcomed)
Panic attacks disrupt normal breathing. If the person is open, model slow, even breaths and invite them to follow:
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“Let’s try breathing together: in for four, hold for seven, out for eight.”
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Box breathing: Inhale (4), Hold (4), Exhale (4), Hold (4)
Don’t push breathing exercises if they dislike them—offer alternatives or simply be quietly supportive.
7. Create a Safety Plan Together (In Advance)
If you’re a close friend or partner, collaborate on a written plan when everyone is calm. This might include:
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Known triggers
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List of people to call for support
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Personalized coping skills (cold showers, favorite shows, specific grounding exercises)
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Hotlines or local resources
Having a plan provides a sense of control for both of you during intense moments.
What NOT to Do During a Panic Attack
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Don’t overwhelm with questions: Let them speak or be silent as needed; processing thoughts and speech is hard during a panic attack.
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Don’t touch without permission: Respect boundaries.
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Don’t judge or analyze: “Why are you anxious?” is rarely productive in the moment.
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Don’t overstimulate: Turn off bright lights, loud music, or unnecessary electronics.
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Never belittle (“You’re fine,” “Just get over it”)
Real-Life Voices: What Actually Helps
| Approach | Why It Works |
|---|---|
| Calm storytelling and steady eye contact | Redirects the mind and grounds via visual/auditory focus |
| Hand available, but not forced touch | Offers comfort without invading space |
| Physical cues (ice, water) | Distraction and sensory reset for the nervous system |
| Clear, short reassurances | “You’re safe. This will pass.” Validates and normalizes experience |
| Distraction (“Want to see something cool?”) | Light moments can gently refocus attention |
Sample Supportive Script
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“You’re having a panic attack. It’s scary, but it’s not dangerous. I’m right here with you.”
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“Hold my hand if you want. We can try a grounding exercise, or I can just stay with you.”
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“Would you like some water or a place to sit or lie down?”
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“If you’d like, I can tell you a story, or we can just breathe together. Let me know what feels best for you.”
After the Panic Attack
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Offer a safe space for recovery quiet, calm, and nonjudgmental.
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Ask if they want to talk about what happened or just relax.
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Encourage ongoing self-care and discuss (when calm) preferences for support during future episodes.
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If panic attacks are frequent or severely impact daily life, suggest they consider reaching out to a therapist for professional help.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Should I call emergency services?
A: Panic attacks are not medical emergencies unless the person has pre-existing conditions or you suspect another health issue (like a heart attack). If you’re unsure or they ask for help, call for assistance.
Q: How long do panic attacks usually last?
A: Most attacks peak within 10 minutes and resolve within 30. The effects can linger longer, so patience and gentle support are crucial.
Q: What if I do something wrong?
A: Don’t worry about being perfect. Your empathy and presence matter most.
Supporting someone during a panic attack is an act of compassion. By listening, validating their experience, and respecting their boundaries and preferences, you become a lifeline through the storm. Remember, there’s no one perfect way to help be patient, keep learning, and always ask how you can best support your loved one.
